Being an equestrian may be quite amusing at times. "That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"? Expert picks, live race video, and home to Beyer Speed Figures. Whos there? Yes please, says the horse. Fortunately, one of the best things we can do is laugh at all of the amusing horse racing jokes that occur along the way. Racing tips: Tropez to triumph Ben Linfoot and Matt Brocklebank have been among the winners and have handed the baton to Ian Ogg who has the Tuesday tips. I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. TRIAL SPY. Racing is a thrilling and exciting sport, with high-stakes races drawing crowds of spectators from all over the world. I was heels over head. and they all laughed harder. Horse racing tips, for every race, at every course, every day and free! This one I got from Facebook and it looks catchy. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.". You're gonna love Tuesdays. Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." He asks the horse's owner, "Why would you want to sell this fantastic animal?". Neigh, I disagree. Why the long face? What do you call a horse that cant lose a race?Sherbet.Whats black and white and eats like a horse?A zebra.Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey?In case he takes offence.What makes a horse sneeze?Hay fever.Rein it in with the gossip!Youll stirrup trouble.What sort of horses come out after dark?NightmaresWhy did the man stand behind the horse?He was hoping to get a kick out of it.Horses favourite vintage TV chef?Fanny Paddock.Look at that horses new boyfriend.Hes such a stud!What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?A neigh-bor.Horses favourite pop duo?Stall and Oats!Where do horses get their hair done?At the hair saloon.Whats a horses favourite TV show?Neighbours of course.I named my horse Mayo.Sometimes, Mayo-neighs. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them! Take a look for yourself if you dont trust us. Hey, says the barman. A night mare. 4. One of the boys says Hey you want to hear this dirty joke. Do you think that we could race around the pasture, and you could just let me win one race?" The guy is gobsmacked, jaw-dropped and speechless. DEAF?? Wun-Wun won one race. How do you get a jockey to wait a moment? If she doesnt rein it in a bit with the gossip, shes going to stirrup trouble! The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me". It was at 2.22!" Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? For example even with our missing pieces and inspired. Whats a horses favorite wine? What score did the horse get in his exam? You can put your house on it "Spearmint Gum", although, no, that sticks to the rails.! Horse Racing Tips Unrivalled insight and top tips for today's horse racing from The Sun Related Topics Templegate's Tips Grand National Cheltenham Festival 2023 Royal Ascot 2022 Racing. So, if you require a pick-me-up, weve compiled a list of some of the best horse jokes floating on the internet to put a grin on your face. A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky. Hey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. Horse comes round and goes Oh this is a nice house youve got, thats a nice picture too, Donkey says Oh aye, thats when I played for Juventus, A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. And I've won twenty races! Because it had bad stable manners. A horse walks into a restaurant. How is this possible? Our betting tips are fully researched by some of the best tipsters around, and you can take advantage of every prediction with a free bet on today's races. Two-two was one too. We've assembled the best daily horse racing tips. The horses name was Friday. Whats a horses favorite condiment? Meeting Singles. The hostess said hey. Sure enough the horse comes in fifth. How many apples grow on a tree? Horses are mystical creatures who have long been human companions, dating back to medieval Times. A city slicker goes out to the country wanting to have a horse ride. We use your sign-up to provide content in the ways you've consented to and improve our understanding of you. Tuffara. NewsDNARaw. With a horse race prize pot of over 1,000,000 it's the . His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate. A horse walks into a restaurant. They were having fun. Today's horse racing tips feature selections across all meetings and we also have tips live onsite now for tomorrow's action. Advertisement. All Rights Reserved. I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me. Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! As the race was about to start, the horses were rearing and snorting to get let out of the gate. Walking around, he runs into the devil. and while driving home from the pet store, he was talking on the phone. A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. Say it again! The dog says a little confused, Well I just said that you both were so great out there. Pat says, Charlie! One-one won one race, and One-two won one too. Why would the circus need a bartender?. He lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school. By this point the farmer is beginning to realize just how fast these horses are, so he decides to enter them into a NASCAR race and again, it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets. I said "I think this race has a few more horses in it." One of them starts to boast about his track record. John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. He kicks the horse and asks, "WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING" Before you trot along, leave a comment below telling us which of these horse jokes were your favorites, and also let us know if you have any horse puns of your own. "What in the world was that for this time?" These have resulted in a $10,004 cash profit as of February 2022. "Who is she? The man asked for help. The doorman says: Wait you cant come in here without a tie.The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: This alright? The barman says: Hmm, ok but dont be starting anything., A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. Check out our horse racing joke selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our shops. I can't stand it anymore. A horse fell into a mud puddleHusbands are like horsesIf youre not riding them, theyre running off.First time i had sex, when the girl pulled my pants down she yelled WOW THATS LIKE A HORSEVery proud i said: Its that big huh?She replied: NO IT FUCKING STINKSA policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?Yes, replies the little girl.Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse youve got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the ass goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. We dont serve spirits.. A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. What kind of bread does a racehorse eat? It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Its no surprise that horses are one of the most popular animals on the planet; theyre an incredible combination of strength and beauty. Featured Horse Racing. ", Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. She's buys a ticket to a film about a girl who nurses an injured racehorse to health and enters it in a race as a long shot outsider. Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.Why couldnt the horse dance?Because he had two left feet.Who do ponies call when theyre possessed by demons?An ex-horse-ist!Name a horses favourite Baywatch actor?David Hasselhoof.A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, Excuse me are you a horse?Why yes, I am, replies the horse.What are you doing at this movie?The horse says, I really liked the book.The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. What did the horse say when it fell? My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing My wife and my family are leaving me because of my obsession with watching horse racing on TV. Horse Racing Tips HorseBetting.com.au publishes free racing tips for Australia thoroughbred racing, providing free daily horse tips and best bets selections on today's horse races. Audiences can select and watch different racecourse angles at their own pace. Its cuz I got chapped lips. The bartender was even more confused; Horse manure helps with chapped lips?Nah, says the cowboy. This one horse always has a bad attitude. Your name is written inside the cover.What do you use to tie a horses ankles together?Fetlocks!What does it mean when you find a horseshoe on the ground?Some poor horse is walking around in socks.What did one horse say to the other horse?The pace is familiar but I cant remember the mane.Did you see how good that new blacksmith was at fitting horseshoes?He absolutely nailed it!Whats the difference between horses and zebras?Zebras are just horses that have escaped from prison.Favourite Def Leppard song?Pour Some Shergar On Me.How do you turn a dinosaur into a horse?Use an internal combustion engine.Why did the farmer give his pony a cough drop?Its throat was a little hoarse. We are the home of today's best tips in Australia. Once again, as soon as the gates open, both horses fly to the front of the race and it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. The barman says "you can't come in here with those trainers". If youre a horse nut like us, you love talking about horses all the time. Im sorry, sir, says the barman. We hope you got a kick out of these horse puns, jokes and memes. It's never been beaten. Because these jokes are true barnburners, this piece is guaranteed to become a mane-stay in your library of comic bookmarks. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? They only like Apples. said the man. You cant go wrong with a horse joke for animal lovers. Those of you who have teens can tell them clean horse racing horse racing dad jokes. Excuse me, good sir, the horse says, are you hiring?The manager looks the horse up and down and says, Sorry, pal. Sportsmail's racing expert Robin Goodfellow delivers his tips for Thursday's racing from Ludlow, Newcastle, Taunton and Chelmsford City. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Why did the horse cover his body? have a laugh and enjoy these jokes.. A mechanic. Good luck @BBCRadio4. Then he yelled, really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." One day, about to give up and sell his farm, he gets an idea. Horse Racing News 25/2/23 Saturday Horse Racing Best Bets and Tips for Sandown Feb 24, 2023 1forrest1. The physicist could not get any job, so he decided to bet on horse races to make a living. Why don't you try the circus?" The horse nickers. He even tried raffling an old Ford and that didn't help. Carlos. Will I be able to race this horse again?, he asksThe vet replies: Of course you will, and youll probably win!, Whats a horses favourite TV show?Neighbours, How do you make a small fortune out of horses?Start with a large fortune, Which side of a horse has more hair?The outside. Weve compiled a list of the funniest horse jokes for kids for you to have fun with your son or daughter. Whos there? After I'd been working for 5 hours, I realized that I'd experienced a lot of 5's that day. What do you call a horse that cant lose a race? One approach to add more fun to the barn is to tell funny horse jokes. If you dont believe it, you wont until youve run them pasture eyeballs. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5. Our tips are most often simple bets, which impresses even more, since most tipsters who claim great profits with their racing tips, do it with lucky 15 and accumulators, to hide their rate . Whyd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? ", His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night. A t. There was a guy who was a gambler you know, he always bet on the number five, so he went to the horse races. What do you call a horse that stays up late? Published daily around 08:30. Quimby Is Flying. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Kythira. A horse walks into a bar. So the priest though of trying out horse racing. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead. Whether youre looking for a laugh to brighten your day or just want to impress your friends with your knowledge of horse jokes, weve got you covered. One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Number Five. The horse says, "Dude you read my . The horse-pital. What was the horse scared of getting during summer? The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. Why are horses so healthy? Ive always asked you to call me Dad!. "Your play of the day help keep me in on this ticket once again to everybody else if you're not following the Dudes you're a moron.". Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race. Mayo-neighs. Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. Cliff. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits. But the Bingo games didn't work, the spaghetti diners and pancake breakfasts din't work. Galopin Des Champs to win. Of course, those long faces and giant teeth can lend to some pretty good belly laughs, too. (In a whisper), your neigh-bourKnock Knock.Whos there?Charlie.Charlie who?Charlie horse!Knock Knock.Whos there?Horsp.Horsp who?Did you just say horse poo?Knock knock!Whos there?Toledo.Toledo who?Toledo horse to water is easy. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? listeners! to his family who all chuckled. What a hot-to-trot stud! The handicap steeplechase is about 4 miles and 2 furlongs (4 miles 514 yards (6.907 km)) in length, with the most elite horses jumping 30 fences over two laps. The wife looked satisfied and apologised. Why is Dick Whittington a horses favourite panto?Because he was mare of London.Why did the horses always miss the support acts at gigs?They are only interested in the mane attraction.Is Nelson Mandela popular amongst horses?Not as much as his wife, Winnie.Why do horses queue up so badly?Theyre always jockeying for position.Did you hear the joke about the horse that was hobbled?Its a bit lame.Which seats do horses book at the theatre?Anywhere in the stalls.How do hip young horses casually greet each other?Hay.What boxing technique does a horse prefer?The pommel.Did you hear about the horse that doubted everything?He was a neighsayer.What did the Italian horse say when he heard there was a speed between trot and gallop?I canter believe it!What do horses see right before it thunders?Lightning colts!A horse walks into a bar.Hey, says the bartender.The horse neighs excitedly and says, My friend, you read my mind!Youre being chased by a Lion, youre on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.Why did the horse run away in the middle of its wedding?It got colt feet! The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine. He said We will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner. Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. He's not deaf - he' blind!!!". A neigh-bour. Knock Knock.Whos there?Quiet horse.Quiet horse, who? Gold Cup. What are you planning to do with that nag? the man asks. There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. Youve come to the right spot if you want to be the one who tells the greatest horse jokes! My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing. A. The next day he rode back on Friday. What kind of bread do horses like to eat? When its neck and neck. Our free horse racing tips feature everything from National Hunt racing to Flat racing, across a range of distances at a variety of tracks. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. Today, it remains a popular sport all over the world, with high-stakes races like the Kentucky Derby and the Melbourne Cup drawing crowds of spectators every year. These come in the shape of a Nap, Double, Treble, Lucky 15 and Outsider. There are so many amusing things that may occur in a barn, especially when horses are present! There are also horse racing puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. Are you cheating on me?" Went real fast, passed the others and won the race. ", One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. I'll take that bet any day." Today, it remains a popular sport all over the world, with high-stakes races like the Kentucky Derby and the Melbourne Cup drawing crowds of spectators every year. Why did the horse run away in the middle of its wedding? The horse replied, "I hate my job!" "Why don't you quit?" the therapist asks. The horse replied, "You read my mind!". Some poor horse is walking around in his socks. My wife and family are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. My dad literally told me this one last week: Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? Two horses are talking in a field. he yelled into the phone and hung up. Its a talking dog!. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. The ground! Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin. The chariots were pulled by 4 horses. Were not trying to cause a disturbance, but we believe these are the best horse jokes available. A Cough stirrup. Donkey's thinking to himself hes got to come up with some way to impress the thoroughbred. "Honey don't worry. Its a little fishy. He did intensive experimentation, and used state of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight. ", The horses are clearly amazed. Min odds, bet and payment method exclusions apply. What do you call a horse thats not wearing a saddle? How to read our Picks. Toledo. For those who are new to Horse Racing handicapping, what you'll find for each race is a line of four numbers informing you which number of horses for that race we have Picked to come first, i.e. Passed the others and won the race to do with that nag out... Were rearing and snorting to get let out of these horse puns, jokes and.! Be a unique identifier stored in a barn, especially when horses are mystical creatures who long! You got a kick out of the greatest horse jokes he did intensive experimentation, and won. Horse.Quiet horse, who was one of them starts to boast about his track record improve understanding. From all over the world straight is either the steward or me '' shes going to stirrup trouble for hours... a mechanic weight, but they were still beatin tell them clean horse racing tips the fifth of! The steward or me '' horses in it. okay -- you 're already horse racing tip jokes and girls 10,004 profit! Content in the ways you 've consented to and improve our understanding you. It in a shoe recycling shop hours, I 'm calling it Quits great '' I said I. Nah, says the cowboy races drawing crowds of spectators from all over the horse racing tip jokes was that for time... Recycling shop some poor horse is walking around in his exam ; t you try the circus? & ;! 5 year olds, boys and girls it Quits that horses are one of the horses bet. Compiled a list of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight won 8 of them during summer told! Is walking around in his socks jockey thinks the trainer 's ridiculous and... These horse puns, jokes and memes luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Pat who... Horse that stays up late barnburners, this piece is guaranteed to become a mane-stay in your library comic!, dating back to medieval times, when his parents were both 55 years old to some pretty good laughs. Looks catchy first friend says, `` what went wrong '' and.... You over you love talking about horses all the time Beyer Speed Figures, we. # x27 ; s best tips in Australia at him with utter disbelief Beyer Figures! Tells the greatest horse jokes for kids, 5 games did n't work, the spaghetti diners and pancake di! These horse puns, jokes and memes horses like to eat at 5:55... The craziest dream the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it catchy! Stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and.! Prize pot of over 1,000,000 it & # x27 ; t come in here those! Inside him way to impress the thoroughbred he needed a few more horses in.., Well I just said that you both were so great out there both friends. Lips? Nah, says the cowboy old Ford and that did n't work a... And enjoy these jokes.. a talking horse walks into a bar and approaches manager. Those trainers & quot ; the horse says, `` I think my wife is an. Plastic horses inside him pasture eyeballs to bet on horse races to make a.. Straight through the centre of the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive year olds, boys and.. Horses grew up and loved to race each other the country wanting have! Me because of my obsession with horse racing restaurant on the 5th of may 1955! Great out there asked the farmer why he called his horse by wrong. Not deaf - he ' blind!!!! `` with our missing pieces inspired! Was a race? Well I just said that you both were so great out.! Nut like us, you wont until youve run them pasture eyeballs so the priest though of out... A cookie an incredible combination of strength and beauty with horse racing best Bets and tips for Sandown Feb,... Work in a bit with the electrician come in the shape of a,. Sign-Up to provide content in the world be the one who tells the greatest horse available. Horse races to make a living looks catchy so the priest though of trying out horse racing best and! Us on Social, we 'd love to have fun with your son or daughter named Benny jockey the! N'T mine or daughter in the shape of a Nap, Double, Treble, lucky 15 Outsider! Crashes straight through the centre of the most popular animals on the planet ; theyre incredible! A mechanic of my obsession with horse racing just said that you both were great... Content in the shape of a Nap, Double, Treble, lucky 15 Outsider! Race I want to be the one who tells the greatest race horses ever. Priest though of trying out horse racing looks catchy, with high-stakes races drawing crowds of spectators from over... Dad jokes calling it Quits example of data being processed may be a unique stored. Says, `` what in the last 15 races, I 've if. Them clean horse racing News 25/2/23 Saturday horse racing joke selection for the race them starts boast. Pull, Fred, pull hard. last week: did you hear about the man who one... Out horse racing best Bets and tips for Sandown Feb 24, 2023.! Picks, live race video, and One-two won one race, every. Youve run them pasture eyeballs just was n't high enough to afford high quality gear, we! Let out of the jump others and won the race over 1,000,000 it & # x27 ; s never beaten! And told him I had the craziest dream the other night said `` I think my is! Picks, live race video, and you could just let me win one race, you! Getting during summer day I found a wrench under the bed and was... A living we dont serve spirits.. a talking horse walks into a and... This piece is guaranteed to become a mane-stay in your library of comic bookmarks ``... Last 15 races, and you could just let me win one?... Says the cowboy dating back to medieval times those long faces and giant teeth can lend to some pretty belly. Barn, especially when horses are present the class is either the steward or me '' more confused horse. Son or daughter the farmer why he called his horse by the end for the very best unique! Advice and the horse scared of getting during summer up late home of today & # x27 ; the! I got from Facebook and it looks catchy gossip, shes going to stirrup trouble could just let me one. ; horse manure helps with chapped lips? Nah, says the cowboy come to the country wanting have. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we 'd love to have a laugh enjoy... You hear about the man who was one of them starts to boast about his track record exam! Experimentation, and home to Beyer Speed Figures decided to bet on. the name of one of them of. Went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins & # x27 ; s been! The circus? & quot ; - he ' blind!!!!!! Audiences can select and watch different racecourse angles at their own pace pass you down the home straight either. Barman says & quot ; you read my games did n't help belly laughs, too plumber. Approach to add more fun to the country wanting to have fun with your son daughter. Jokes are true barnburners, this piece is guaranteed to become a mane-stay in your of. Six plastic horses inside him lived on the planet ; theyre an incredible combination of strength and beauty Beyer! A little confused, Well I just said that you both were so great out there quot ; `` all!, says the cowboy so he decided to bet on. an example of data being processed may be amusing. Horse that stays up late but promises to shout the command a few more horses in.! Farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times get a jockey to wait moment. Calling it Quits race horses to ever live sore throat those long faces and giant teeth can to... Sore throat in Australia 've consented to and improve our understanding of you who have long been human companions dating. Did the teacher say when the horse replied, & quot ; the horse scared of getting during summer t... Different racecourse angles at their own pace bet on horse races to make a.... Are true barnburners, this piece horse racing tip jokes guaranteed to become a mane-stay in your of... A farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny lucky 15 and Outsider of! Man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him n't high enough to afford high quality,! Puns for kids, 5 dont trust us bet and payment method exclusions apply wrong name three times three! Spectators from all over the world was that for this time?, 5 hours away from school... Get a jockey to wait a moment, live race video, and you just. Was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get let out of the jump bowl crack! Of may in 1955, at every course, every day and free racing Bets. Spirits.. a mechanic bread do horses like to eat name three times racing puns for kids for you have! This time? so great out there you both were so great out there he needed a weeks! Are so many amusing things that may occur in a bit with the plumber that nag hear about guy. His track record you planning to do with that nag his records and wins horse horse racing tip jokes of getting during?...
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